Posts tagged lulz
Posts tagged lulz
every year after you turn 17 you get further away from being the age of the dancing queen and that’s my least favorite thing about growing up
ah but when you turn 34 you’re two dancing queens and thus having twice the time of your life. and at 51 you become the dancing triumvirate and three golden crowns are forged in your honor
lots to look forward to
edi plz, control your strength
"God damn it!" i yell as i stub my toe on a table. suddenly from the sky, i hear god reply "okay". the floor splits open, revealing a pit to hell. god pushes the table down into the pit, and then it seals up. he actually did it. god damned it.
and Satan is saved from taking a trip to Ikea.
my family usually eats bagged cereals (you know, the off brand kinds that taste like deceit) and today my mother came home with 15+ boxes of sugared name-brand cereal, dumped them into my arms, and said “i can’t eat lies anymore, caroline.”
that would make the funniest fucking story ever. Due to a mix up at the factory, the template for incantations that was supposed to a publishing company of dark art books is sent to a feminine products factory. Girl then accidentally summons Satan with period blood. Satan gets confused because its “dead blood” and when he shows up he realizes the sacrifice was done incorrectly so he cannot take the girl’s soul but now is bound to do her bidding because oops his bad, he showed up anyway.
I have a story.
So my sister got run over by a car once. It was a pretty big deal. Well like a year later she got into a little fender bender and was really bent out of shape about it, so I went and got her a cake.
When I put in my order for the cake, the guy at the bakery asked, “Do you want it to say anything?”
And with a perfectly straight face, I said, “‘Sorry you got hit by a car again.’”
He narrowed his eyes a moment, then nodded and wrote it down, and took it to kitchen to get the writing done.
All the way from the back of the kitchen, I hear a woman shout, “‘Again’?!”
I love this
"you come here often?"
"hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven-"
"FAVOR THE BOW, EH? I’M A SWORD MAN MYSELF"
"hey let me buy you a drin-"
"LET ME GUESS: SOMEONE STOLE YOUR SWEET ROLL?"
"I LIKE SHORTS! THEY’RE COMFY AND EASY TO WEAR!"
"SOMETIMES, I DREAM ABOUT CHEESE"